You know when you just sit and think about things and then realise you need to get everything out in the open? Yeah that’s one of those blogs! Writing seems to have become my therapy and even if no one reads it, for me it’s always going to be there for my venting and semi emotional breakdowns!
Feelings…why does this have to happen?? I can’t even love myself properly yet I allow myself to let certain people get past the wall I TRY and build…but only ever manage to get half way up. My confidence has been picked at bit by bit ever since I was 11 through bullying, abusive relationships (if you can call them that!), fake friends…the confidence in myself has not even crept up slightly…I still feel like I’m stuck in a pit with a rope that I can’t seem to reach?
I’m assuming there are some people reading this thinking ‘oh my god she’s mad’ I’m not actually…it’s called being open about how you feel. I’ve only recently started opening up to people about my past and so far, people have been so supportive. It was hard for me to tell my close ones that I nearly wasn’t here about eight years ago. I came so close to ending it…it was due to low self esteem, losing someone who I thought was my best friend but then turns out he couldn’t care less AND losing a dear family friend. I couldn’t take it…I sat by my sink with a bottle of whisky and a box of tablets sobbing like a baby.
I wish I could learn to I love myself as much as people tell me they love me…I don’t tend to believe people when they say good things about me. Sometimes I feel like they’re doing things or saying things just to keep me sweet.
There are 6 people who I have let past that wall…and they are 6 people who I adore and admire so much and always keep me in my happy place even if I don’t get to see them that often. The strength that they have given me without realising is something that I could never replace or something that I never expected and I’m hoping that will be the start of pulling me out of the whole and onto solid ground.
One of them…well, the blog subject is ‘feelings suck!’ I’ll leave that with you to make your own mind up. ❤️